[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.