[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.


[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.


Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.


I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.


ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit


I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.


[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?


[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa