Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Mountain Goat : )
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra