Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

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Knuckle tats:




No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.


My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store





My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona


God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference


Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.


[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly


We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow