Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband