Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Two types of dogs.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I mean…but I did
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!