Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
How to woo a woman
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads