BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My Guy
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Actually cracking up @ this
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
You have been warned.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months