[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
You Might Also Like
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Happy Taco Tuesday
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.