Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem