barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
a god among men
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.