Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
This hospital has everything
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.