[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”