[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives