(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(