[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Received some very disappointing news today
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?