Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
🙅🏻
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly