Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.