“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Not helping
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops