Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!