Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Meow
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
What is going on? 😅
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Oh. My. God.