Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt