BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.