*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I like crazy people until they notice me
prepare for carbonated trouble
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what