[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You Might Also Like
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Saturday