[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
You Might Also Like
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.