barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
6. me as a lawyer
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.