Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Why is everyone getting married at me
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…