[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.