Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
True.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
jesus christ confetti not now
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.