My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You Might Also Like
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders