Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.


Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.


I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?


my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.


You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both


Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.


if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin


I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders