Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
You Might Also Like
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!