[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
early stone age tool
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.