Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally