Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?