bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out