[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Never forget.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”