Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.