BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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#MeanwhileinCanada
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
what kind of cook setting is this??
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
lost dog
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I would like even faster food.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing