BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”