Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !