bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
estão todos miauvindo?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese