Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.