bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
You Might Also Like
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.