Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.