Bartenders are just boneless bars
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY