Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
You Might Also Like
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.