[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Hot hot hot 🥵
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia