Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.