based al yankovic
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
a public service announcement
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
The Joker was right
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives