Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Animal poetry
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.