Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)